An example of my upside down shadow self.
I am thrilled, tickled, invigorated, pumped up, humbled, fueled and completely JOYFILLED when I am giving to others in any form. Be it with my words, actions, money, gifts, you name it, I love to give it. Nothing wrong with that, especially for the recipients, right? So what possibly could be the upside down of this? The struggle with receiving is an aspect of my shadow side. I have to shamefully admit that 90% of the time when I receive a gift, a kind word or gesture, there is a shut off mechanism in my psyche that says OH NO YOU DON"T. A wall comes up and my protective gear goes on. I have known this for some time and have tried to adjust around the "uncomfortableness" of receiving. This past week my evolution decided it was time to dive deep and take a peek into how extensive this shadow aspect is operating in my life.
Imagine the following ... you are participating in a beautiful daily visualization practice, speaking I am affirmations, listening to upbeat positive and enlightening music and overall thinking you are walking the walk and talking the talk. You are expanding in abundance, success and love every day (inside joke), for God's sake you took part in writing an International Best Selling Gratitude Journal and run a monthly gratitude circle. You have got to be a Gratitude Guru. AHHH but you struggle accepting and embracing the simplest of complements, the gracious thoughtful gift of a friend and an offer to treat you to a special day from your best friend. OH MY goodness you must be an imposture. You are asking God to support you, show you the path of abundance, and you are actually saying NO to an offer to accept a profit from work you have done for a dear friend, because you don't honor your value. Then imagine All of these NOs were in a 2 day span. Boom Boom Boom!
This is a description of me, how can this be? Then I am shown that, all of this rejection to partaking in reciprocity is veiled in the illusion of humility and the fake idea that it is better to give than receive. Could it be that on a deep level I have been rejecting the most fundamental gift of all? The gift of unconditional love from my Source who I choose to call God? Every time I internally or externally say/feel that I am unworthy of receiving, I am energetically saying to God, hey don't bother cuz I won't accept it anyway. Oh Boy, oh boy, have I got some cleaning up to do.
The tricky trick is I know where this attitude comes from and I was "completely sure" that I had healed those old wounds, but here they are demonstrating to me that their underlying message still runs strong through my emotional encoding. The rudimentary wounding of the human condition is the I Am not enough wound or the idea that we are separate from God. The instant we see ourselves as removed in anyway from our source we fall into an I am not enough vibration. It does not matter how many Ohms we chant, we can not be "all in" if there are any undetected/unrecognized patterns which are telling Source that we see ourselves as separate.
So now what? Once again I have stepped into the position of the observer. I am witnessing my shadow self acting out a pattern of protection. I know it, I sense it and I am fully aware. With the same gentle loving kindness that I would show my loved ones, I embrace my shadow, tell it that I understand why it continues to show up this way and simply love myself for who I am today. Self-awareness is the first step in unconditional self-love. The second step is making a new choice today. The final step is collaborating with a practitioner who can support you in your awareness, raising your energetic vibration and the rebuilding of a new container.
Today I am humbled and I am embracing the gift of receiving in any form which Source chooses to give. Allowing others to show me kindness is my beautiful lesson in abundance this week. Accepting and Receiving loving kindness is a way for me to grow my gratitude muscle. When I gently allow the universe to demonstrate that abundance can come from anywhere, anyone and at anytime I expand. Thank you to all of my gratitude angels for your love. I am truly grateful for my gratitude journey.