I Am Afraid to Ask, Does Evil Exist?
Emerging from meditation today, I am engulfed with thoughts regarding false God’s. As I begin to write this article I know that I am about to embark on an area that to some of you will be controversial, yet I am compelled to explore where this writing will lead.
I was brought up in the Catholic Christian Religion and chose to raise my children in the same, but I did so with a twist. You see, as a young child I became a seeker and was never satisfied with what I was taught in the Catholic schools or during the homily at Mass. I have attended a wide variety of Christian religious ceremonies and have studied their various doctrines. The one doctrine which had me in bondage for many a year was the concept of False God’s and/or the existence of evil. The inner turmoil that I allowed this bondage to cause me was at times intense and extremely damaging.
As in most of my personal stories it was a battle between fear and love. I am going to attempt to walk you through my evolution to my current internal (eternal) place of peace. It would be impossible to include every grain of sand which has contributed to the return to my original oneness or knowingness of the peace of my creator. This is merely an attempt to demonstrate how far away from knowing the face of God fear had taken me.
My first exposure to meditation was my sophomore year at a Catholic High School. I was taking modern dance and the instructor guided us through meditation and centering techniques at the end of each class. I began to practice this in bed at night before I went to sleep. I loved it and wanted to know more. So I began my quest to seek out more information. I was warned by my community that I needed to stay within the confines of my religion if I was going to pursue meditation techniques. These inquiries lead me to a book which I believe was titled “Christian Meditation”. The inner peace and gentle relaxation that I had experienced during my dance classes was quickly destroyed by how I interpreted that book. The book had diagrams and warnings about passing through and possibly getting stuck in a void where evil lurked. As I remember it, it was like an evil zone on my way to my center and if I wasn’t trained properly or if the meditation was not done correctly I could be lost. (This was my 15 year old mind’s interpretation). Well, you can see how that could stop any notion of letting go. I soon found it impossible to allow myself to relax into the meditation process. The great fear of the unknown had invaded that peaceful place and it was years before I was able to find it again.
Over the years I had an insatiable desire to find the truth about God. What religion was right, what was the right way to pray, what was the true doctrine, who had interrupted the bible correctly and finally could it be that other beliefs outside of the Christian faith had it right? These were all great questions which were leading me to my current knowing, but there was one question that stopped me in my tracks and seemed to derail my growth. That was the question, does evil reside in us? This detour took me down a path of darkness and fear. I spent many years exploring what is evil, is it a false god, is it a power or energy and can it posses me? The best and most damaging of all, was the fear of how I could protect myself from being attacked possessed and owned by evil? Sorry kids, those were a few crazy years that had me breaking CDs, throwing away toys, monitoring music, TV and movies. It truly caused a bit of insanity on my part. You see I had believed that seed which was planted back in my sophomore year. “Evil was inside my inner sanctuary and it was to be avoided or you may get stuck there.” I am so very grateful that I am a seeker, because I have been able to find my way back to the main highway of light and love.
It is my current knowing and understanding that all evil and false gods live in the outer experience. Evil resides in the illusion that we are not one with God. The outer is a place where we humans have made up a grandiose story to explain all which we have no tangible answer for. Just as darkness is the void of light, fear is the void of love. I have come to know that my God, my peace, my love comes from within me. There IS a void (sanctuary) within my meditative state; this pristine void is where my source to love resides. Love diminishes all thoughts of fear and fear (evil) cannot exist where love resides.
Today my definition of a false god is: An imaginary creation to explain the unexplained, a diversion from the knowing of love, a separation from my source. Fear
Today my definition of evil is: The resistance to enter into the pristine inner sanctuary of love where my knowing, my source, my perfection exists in Love. Fear
My deepest thank you to my youngest son Gabriel, you were born with my same compulsion to explore. During your High School years, your quests to find your truth lead you down the path of Buddhism. Though you may not practice it now, please know that you were my teacher and my guide back to the practice of meditation.
I can already hear the shouts of injustice. Before everyone gets their undergarments in a knot, let me say. Yes I do know, see, hear and experience the so called evils of this world. Yes there are and have been world leaders who have projected great pain and suffering on to countless beings. I know of incest, child pornography, rape and murder. In my current knowing I see all of the persons who perpetrate these actions as grossly separated from their source. Fear has engulfed them and their actions. I do not see it as evil prevails. I know it to be an illusion of separation, which at times is pretty graphic. When all of this world is said and done, and we return to the oneness and love of God, the illusion of evil will disappear. Until such time I will travel to the place within my center, I will go to my sanctuary to be reminded of who you and I truly are. We are perfection, we are complete, we are magnificence and we are Love.